Dear all,
So today is my last day in Amsterdam, and i am going back home to Berlin tomorrow. Today, according to me, Todd was looking the most like himself since the accident. He was more awake than yesterday (however not quite), and his expression and his mimics were those that were familiar. It is very very very hard to go back, to leave Todd and Alex here in Amsterdam, however it is not as difficult as when I was here in October and Todd was still in the ICU. The reason for that is because although there have been some setbacks in the last couple of weeks, Todd is much much better than the first condition in which I have seen him in the beginning of October, and now, at the end of November, there is lots and lots of light at the end of the tunnel. This light was not clear then – back in the beginning October – and everyday – back in the ICU – we had had to hear from the doctors that could have been the best of the recovery that might be possible. Well, that has not been the case at all, since everyday has brought along many big improvements daily, even hourly. So I would like to remind us all of how much we have come forward since the accident, and how easy it is to forget that, since it is in our very human nature to adapt to the better conditions much much easier and quicker, compared to those which are harder and more painful. I was thinking this today of myself; the day I arrived Todd was so happy to see me, he smiled and held my arm and it was such a luxury. Unfortunately the rest of the days that I have been here, he was unconscious and we have not been able to communicate at all. So I was saying, it is like being a child that got the taste of the candy on that first day, and wanted more, but just could not get it and is whining about it, however there will be so much more of it in the future. So I guess that is us – human beings -, and we do always tend to want more… And we will be getting it, but what is needed is just a little patience…
Yuksel.
PS: I do not even begin to write about Alex, since whatever I try to write, the words would be looking dumb and shallow…
Yuksel’s words are a good reminder for me…. and I will say little more today. (Since, for the next bit of time you will mostly hear from only me.) At the moment, I feel like I am working here with my hands tied behind my back….. just impossible to do anything and yet we manage to come up with ways to fill up Todd’s day with some small pleasures. The seizures continued today but we have an increase in consciousness. The medications are being changed and slowly they will find the combination that allows Todd to move through this without heavy sedation. From the doctor’s explanation there is a fine line between too much and too little…. so more trial and error. What we do know is that Todd is in wonderful and extremely committed hands.
Love.
Todd + Alex, & Yuksel
November 24, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Keep up the faith! Todd is a rockstar!!! 🙂
November 25, 2007 at 8:27 am
Hang in there your two!
Alex, as for feeling like you’re working with your hands tied behind your back, remember that even on the quiet days or the frightening days when the signs of progress aren’t tangible or visible, they’re all adding up somewhere. Your presence gives Todd the sense of security he needs in order to tackle the job of healing himself, and if that weren’t enough, you keep us all informed so we can send him support, too.
So rest assured that even when you feel helpless or powerless or ineffectual, you are working all the time. Though this is undoubtedly the tougest job you’ve ever had, you are rocking it!
Todd, buddy, keep doing whatever you need to do and know you’ve got this incredible support network behind you. You’re doing a damn fine job!
November 25, 2007 at 10:02 am
Yuksel,
Thank you so much for your wonderful words.
What you said was very comforting and helps those of us who are far away to keep the faith and know that Todd is making progress albiet slowly. Your friendship and companionship with Todd and Alex is immeasurable and I know they agree. To Alex, I will again say that there is a special place for you in our hearts. Words cannot express the gratitude we feel and you are a true inspiration. You are not alone even though it probably feels like it sometimes. Believe me, you are not. Love comes to you from around the world and you and Todd are a blessing to each other… a truly powerful love story. Yuksel, be safe traveling home and again, many thanks.
Joni
November 25, 2007 at 10:38 am
hi alex and todd,
just got back from new york where we saw such amazing art and architecture that you will appreciate…the redesigned MOMA building with windows from each level looking onto the gallery of martin puryear’s work (oversized sculptures of unpainted wood, found objects); also the museum of natural history (saw the ‘water’ and ‘mythical creatures’ exhibit, that place is so huge when i was little i wanted to run away from home and live there); saw jazz guitarist mike stern at the 55 Bar in the village (close and LOUD). all very inspiring – thought of amy’s various art works and am now going to get back to crafting my own inventions. thinking of you both, artists of hand and heart, love taara
November 25, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Dear Alexandra, you are an amazing inspiration. I hope that I would be as strong and capable as you in the same situation. I love you. Someday Todd is going to be fine and we’re going to remember these days and raise a toast to your love and devotion. I’m doing that right now, too. Love, Penny
November 25, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Yuksel, Thanks for your help & support. Sorry you must leave as I know Alex & Todd have benefited from your presence. Alex, we’re with you each minute of the day altho via thought waves. Todd, just keep fixing yourself….whatever pace is best for you is just fine with us, altho, of course, we do tend to get impatient. Love you, Aunt Jane & Bob
November 26, 2007 at 12:23 am
we’ve got a lot of people coming together next weekend at SOMArts to make some noise and sell/buy some art, all to help you out. We love you Todd, keep it up man.
November 26, 2007 at 12:57 am
HI Alex and Todd,
THinking of you here — Praying that soon you will look back and both be amazed at how much you went through in such a short amount of time… but i know for now it must feel like it is an endless amount of time.
Todd, you are missing on the end-of-semester-students-project-angst-and-anxieties (hmmmm… did i say “missing”?!!) Well, i am sure from where you are anything would be better, but it will all be there when you come back, and more.
much love,
laetitia and brian