So today is my last day in Amsterdam, and i am going back home to Berlin tomorrow. Today, according to me, Todd was looking the most like himself since the accident. He was more awake than yesterday (however not quite), and his expression and his mimics were those that were familiar. It is very very very hard to go back, to leave Todd and Alex here in Amsterdam, however it is not as difficult as when I was here in October and Todd was still in the ICU. The reason for that is because although there have been some setbacks in the last couple of weeks, Todd is much much better than the first condition in which I have seen him in the beginning of October, and now, at the end of November, there is lots and lots of light at the end of the tunnel. This light was not clear then – back in the beginning October – and everyday – back in the ICU – we had had to hear from the doctors that could have been the best of the recovery that might be possible. Well, that has not been the case at all, since everyday has brought along many big improvements daily, even hourly. So I would like to remind us all of how much we have come forward since the accident, and how easy it is to forget that, since it is in our very human nature to adapt to the better conditions much much easier and quicker, compared to those which are harder and more painful. I was thinking this today of myself; the day I arrived Todd was so happy to see me, he smiled and held my arm and it was such a luxury. Unfortunately the rest of the days that I have been here, he was unconscious and we have not been able to communicate at all. So I was saying, it is like being a child that got the taste of the candy on that first day, and wanted more, but just could not get it and is whining about it, however there will be so much more of it in the future. So I guess that is us – human beings -, and we do always tend to want more… And we will be getting it, but what is needed is just a little patience…
PS: I do not even begin to write about Alex, since whatever I try to write, the words would be looking dumb and shallow…
Yuksel’s words are a good reminder for me…. and I will say little more today. (Since, for the next bit of time you will mostly hear from only me.) At the moment, I feel like I am working here with my hands tied behind my back….. just impossible to do anything and yet we manage to come up with ways to fill up Todd’s day with some small pleasures. The seizures continued today but we have an increase in consciousness. The medications are being changed and slowly they will find the combination that allows Todd to move through this without heavy sedation. From the doctor’s explanation there is a fine line between too much and too little…. so more trial and error. What we do know is that Todd is in wonderful and extremely committed hands.
Todd + Alex, & Yuksel