Todd Blair

Quiet day with conflicting reports from the docs (which is totally normal by the way)…. so I will let you know when the reports are all the same. They are considering two different directions. The ICU doc and the neurology are in two different camps……..though while I am away from the hospital the tribes meet and things come together. So on Friday Todd could be going into surgery or he could be on the second day of a 5 more days induced coma……. I see them making moves toward the first. ONLY TIME WILL TELL. There are still a few more tests results that need to come in before they finalize their decision. Ruling out infections and all that jazz.

It will be nice to have Eric here, someone to keep me company in the silence. A new person that has no problem rattling on and on, it will be a couple days before he tires I am sure! We will have a lot to talk about…… Todd’s mother arrives on Monday as does Selby. Todd is going to have a room full of love and kick ass woman & one lovely guy. Three girls and a guy! Guess which one is going to be talking about diapers, poop, or the lack there of! Wink.

The apartment thing is moving forward nicely, should be resolved by fri or sat.

Take care.
T&A

p.s Update: Eric has landed at Heathrow and should be here in the Netherlands soon. He is anxious to see Todd will still don’t know what the day will bring. I await a phone call from the doctors.

Without a doubt this is a difficult time. The move back into ICU….. away from our nice window. The difficulties experienced here are not out of fear, but for the absence of Todd that I must endure. At this moment I have no wink, no inkling of a smile, no squeeze of his hand or gentle kiss to carry me on…….this is the frustration that your are witnessing.

Last night I spoke with a friend and it seems there may be some clarification required. If one person has a question then it could be more of you are thinking along the same lines. Todd’s move back to the ICU is due to procedural requirements, not that we are backsliding to where we were two months ago, by any means. This is a procedure – it is not so much an emergency, but an aggressive manner in which to handle the seizures.

“They are essentially shutting of the brain and then slowly turning it back on again.” According to Todd’s neurosurgeon.

Think of this as a restart when your computer is slogging through its applications. Generally, the restart will produce the desired results, and if not you systematically move through the computer until you get there.

Todd is stable and very very asleep. This procedure should take 3-5 days….. so prepare for some simple few days of not so much to say. The medications involved can only be administered in the ICU, also the temporary intubation (to avoid any complications or unnecessary labor for Todd’s tired body). The seizures should they continue would be difficult, but this is within the range of what can be expected with such a severe injury…..and will in time be managed.

On the Good News front….I spoke with Beth from the insurance company today. She has assured me that I will accompany Todd on the ambulance flight home. …. A HUGE concern here that has now been lifted from my shoulders. Can you tell I feel lighter now? Next resolve the apartment (which is well on its way) and I will find some peace.

We are just on this curvy road but we haven’t turned back! Soon we will move through this as we have with each hurdle, and return to my leaning over his bed to catch every whisper he struggles to deliver!

Love.
From
Alex + Todd.

p.s. I am not sure what is going on down there for Blue and Green Ball……but I have seen the word “hay bales” in print. I am going to guess that the setting up of this GRAND EVENT will be just as much an event in and of itself. (SO please take pictures of people up on ladders, outfit changes, and all the elves at work!!!) With this event you will see all the love that can not be directly administered to Todd, is poured in to the mix make it all that it can possible be. I am amazed and wish we could be there in person….CAUSE people that is a WHOLE LOT OF LOVE AND CARING.xxx

p.s.s. KooKs – Todd had always said this year we would finally join the Big Basin caravan. So know that we would have if we could have. xxx

Todd is now in the far reaches of the ICU ward, for a second I couldn’t remember what floor it was on. Then of course I just stopped off at the right floor….. and entered the ward that we had spent so much time in. The EEG was to be taken after I left, so I have no idea how long Todd will remain in this induced sleep, or how successful it is at this time. He looked calm. So I wait. ….in a new part of the ward without all our foxy and darling nurses that I thought we might be reunited with.

I am reminded that I have some very good reliable resources that share with me his amazing potential for recovery. (These are medical professionals) This is what I will hold on to and remind him everyday…… because I am sure that by now he is getting a bit worn from this constant cycle of demands on his sweet body….. so we both need a reminder! We are getting tired

Toetsie is correct the packages should always go to the same ward, if we are not there those nurses will know where we are. We will soon return to our window and Suriname family across the way, with all their sweet smiles and concern. It will always find us there, because for now there is where we are….. or hope to be.

Yes everyone, please come out this Saturday in all your glorious blue and green, decadent, funky, elegant, whatever! finery and show Todd and Alex how we miss them! We’re still taking art, crafts, collectibles, and your services for our auction and bazaar as well as volunteers if you feel like participating!

Aside from the fabulous items for sale, SRL is also making available a Sneaky Soldier – you can have your very own -infamous battlescars and all!

There will also be hot dogs steamed by the Neverwas Steam Car, fiery art bars from Jon Sarriugarte, food from Foodhacker Marc, swarming, flocking robots from SWARM, sculpture from the Flaming Lotus Girls, performances from Extra Action Marching Band, belly dancing by Gibson Pearl, Kristen, and Kyrsten Mate, Janice Solimeno and her troupe, Joan Jeanrenaud and DJ Vordo, a special appearance from the mysterious Unicorn made by Amy Jenkins, Wendi Prentiss, and Liisa Pine which is also up for auction, and much more all MC’d by John Rogers and Greg Jones!

And there will also be a quiet, healing space for those who want to reflect on what Todd and Alex are going through. There, one can make personalized cards to be sent over after the event. We’ll have roaming video and photographers recording image and video messages for Todd and Alex and their supporters in Amsterdam so look out for these people at the event.

The ball should kick ass since the lovely Liisa Pine and Amy Critchett and their numerous elves are working away at making this be an unforgettable night!

Somarts

934 Brannan St (@ 8th)

San Francisco, CA

8pm – 1am

Hope to see many of you there!

The struggles are plentiful at the moment. Information inconsistent. It is like rock climbing blindfolded, as you try to determine where to hold on and where to place your feet. At his beside I fight back tears as the frustration mounts, and quiet the screams inside.

Finally though the doctors spoke to me….. it is their silence or absence that I find pure torture. Information is not frightening – it is the lack thereof that is so difficult. Todd’s condition remains complicated and the seizures come often. They have moved him into ICU and he is now heavily sedated as he has not been since our struggles in ICU. It will be intense to return there, to be in a part of the building I thought was behind us. This is a more agressive approach necessary to move Todd out of this phase. The medications are terminated that could be a factor, the approach now is (like I said) more aggressive and if we are lucky by the end of this week Todd will be back in his room, and the apartment situation resolved. He won’t be wearing his bitchin’ Puma’s anymore… he now has a more permanent cast like solution to the foot drop. Soon, I am sure, he will have me bringing him chopsticks to get the itch way down deep. ( I had a cast as a young child, it was worth it though! I was the one who jumped from the highest level of the staircase! Winner! or something like that.) I so remember that itch that you can not magange to get to. This appears to be less permanent, I will talk to that doc on Thurs, at which point you will have an informed perspective on this one.

I am working hard to stay here or very near to the Jordaan. The place that when I go for lunch they ask how Todd is doing. It is a lovely combination of familiar, quiet, (not counting the bloody construction site) and good food, not to mention beautiful and near the metro. I did receive a good support phone call this morning, and I am confident we can work this out. To start anew in a neighborhood seems like a tall order…. But then it could give Davey a new project. (As if helping me move is not enough). To have peace this must be resolved, so I don’t worry about Todd and where I get to sleep and eat. Rest assured I am not alone, and those involved understand clearly the urgency, and are doing all they can to help. Except of course Simon, he is a bit ineffectual…… but we are giving him the opportunity to prove himself.

Love.
T+A

DON’T MISS THIS!
p.s.!!!!
I would like to thank those busy folks who have been working hard to prepare for the BLUE AND GREEN BALL this SAT. I encourage you all to attend! This is a shining example of what a community can do to hold up one of their own! Just by showing up, you can lend your support for Todd and his lengthy recovery….. and get some of your Christmas Shopping done while you are at it at the BAzaaR. Check out the art that is to be auctioned off! Nice one guys!

By all means take pictures, and then each and every one of you can send me an email telling us tales of the evening. Who you met and that person you haven’t seen in a Coon’s age. I always thought Todd and I would be home by this event. In October, December seemed so very far away….. and now it is not.

Did you see those limited edition Frisbees?!! Man oh man.

It was just a few years back, we were doing this for another dear human BEing Tim North and His family Susee and Trista.(It was also at SOMARTS) I still laugh when I remember Todd and I going head to head with Eric & Jill during the auction for the cocktail cart! The back and forth glances, the enthusiasm!! Then how stoked Nathaniel was when he won his bid…… only to discover later he had bought something completely different than he thought! Duoh! So watch out guys and keep your eyes on the ball! The BLUE and GREEN ball that is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the doctors move forward and the current status of Todd’s condition remains the same. We are still in medium care his consciousness minimal at best. There are a couple of medications that have a known side effect of seizures in a small number of patients, so they are currently weaning Todd off these drugs. They systematically work through his condition, much like Todd solves a computer problem. They never waiver or give up, the move from the relatively simple to the increasingly complex….. and we do the same.

I received lovely news today! Eric Paulos is coming around the end of this week. I thought Todd and I would be alone for a couple of weeks, but looks like those couple of weeks have filled up now. Eric, Selby, and Zander will all be here by Todd’s side at different times. Each of one these fine folks have seen Todd at an entirely different period in his recovery, a very good perspective so very different then mine, for it includes a space of time. For those of you who don’t know, Eric was with Todd in the ambulance and at his side during those first few very critical days….. ( one should mention, there were others VERY present as well, Todd was never and has never been alone). Friends and family together are what sustain us here, while we wait to return to our home. Do not underestimate your power.

I can’t believe this month is coming to a close. We will hopefully finalize an apartment by the end of this week! The holidays are upon us and I without a doubt would like to avoid a whole new neighborhood. Yikes. It is difficult to plan for such an uncertain future….. for we have no idea really how long we are to remain here in Amsterdam. What we do know is things take time………. a lot of time and patience.

We love you.
Alex + Todd

p.s. I was telling Julie that as connected as Todd and I are at the moment and always have been we are in two very very opposite positions. Todd can’t wait to get up, while I on the other hand can’t wait to lay down.

Dear all,
So today is my last day in Amsterdam, and i am going back home to Berlin tomorrow. Today, according to me, Todd was looking the most like himself since the accident. He was more awake than yesterday (however not quite), and his expression and his mimics were those that were familiar. It is very very very hard to go back, to leave Todd and Alex here in Amsterdam, however it is not as difficult as when I was here in October and Todd was still in the ICU. The reason for that is because although there have been some setbacks in the last couple of weeks, Todd is much much better than the first condition in which I have seen him in the beginning of October, and now, at the end of November, there is lots and lots of light at the end of the tunnel. This light was not clear then – back in the beginning October – and everyday – back in the ICU – we had had to hear from the doctors that could have been the best of the recovery that might be possible. Well, that has not been the case at all, since everyday has brought along many big improvements daily, even hourly. So I would like to remind us all of how much we have come forward since the accident, and how easy it is to forget that, since it is in our very human nature to adapt to the better conditions much much easier and quicker, compared to those which are harder and more painful. I was thinking this today of myself; the day I arrived Todd was so happy to see me, he smiled and held my arm and it was such a luxury. Unfortunately the rest of the days that I have been here, he was unconscious and we have not been able to communicate at all. So I was saying, it is like being a child that got the taste of the candy on that first day, and wanted more, but just could not get it and is whining about it, however there will be so much more of it in the future. So I guess that is us – human beings -, and we do always tend to want more… And we will be getting it, but what is needed is just a little patience…

Yuksel.
PS: I do not even begin to write about Alex, since whatever I try to write, the words would be looking dumb and shallow…

Yuksel’s words are a good reminder for me…. and I will say little more today. (Since, for the next bit of time you will mostly hear from only me.) At the moment, I feel like I am working here with my hands tied behind my back….. just impossible to do anything and yet we manage to come up with ways to fill up Todd’s day with some small pleasures. The seizures continued today but we have an increase in consciousness. The medications are being changed and slowly they will find the combination that allows Todd to move through this without heavy sedation. From the doctor’s explanation there is a fine line between too much and too little…. so more trial and error. What we do know is that Todd is in wonderful and extremely committed hands.

Love.
Todd + Alex, & Yuksel

Well Today I arrived to Todd’s room to find his bed missing and he was not there either. He has been relocated to medium care and his morning really sucked. …. As it turns out those pain spells are actually increasing seizures. This morning he was taken in for an EEG and during which Todd had quite a few detectable seizures. He was sedated and is now on anti-seizure medication. The Cat scan from Thursday shows the shunt performing well actually and the seizure can be a result from the shunt placing pressure on the injured area now that the brain is settling into its proper place. While this is an alarming development the Dr. said this is a common issue with the shunt placement and correctable. Due to the impact of his multiple seizures and his sedation, he was in a very deep sleep all afternoon. He could not be wakened by even the nurses and their dreadful pinches, it just makes me squirm. This new diagnosis explains his “sleepiness” since seizures are an extremely draining experience. It also explains why there was no change despite the lumbar puncture and fluid drain of Thursday. So while it is news we may not like to receive, it could very well be the information necessary to move forward.

Please wake up Todd.
Love.
Alex+Todd, and Yuksel.

Hello all of you,
first of all I hope you all had a nice thanksgiving and ate and ate and ate and drank and drank and drank ( that is what Alex says what Thanksgiving is all about 🙂 so we have also tried to do it here last night, however Alex refused to order desert, so that makes me think is it really true – the whole concept of eating till you can not
anymore. Despite everything i do hope that Alex did enjoy it at least a little bit. Going on and on about the thanksgiving, that is probably because there is not much to tell from the hospital and Todd. It was a very tired day, and Todd was asleep almost the whole day, so we did not get much reaction, although every time Alex leaves his bedside (can be for just a moment) he does tend to wake up or at least open his eyes. so I guess he is pretty aware of the things going on around him.. let us see. We are hoping today to see a happier Todd than yesterday. Yuksel.

Yes, as Yuksel just mentioned, Todd lingers at the edge of consciousness, groggy at best. This is alarming, in that it could point to the need for the second shunt without question. Time moves so slow here…. and we are so anxious for Todd to improve for his own sake. Today will be telling, is it merely recovery period from the surgery or does the pressure remain consistent hampering his recovery? Are we moving straight into his next surgery? He was aware enough to hold my hand tighter when I made any motions to leave the bedside at which point he would open his eyes. We stuck by his side the entire afternoon. The doctors performed another lumbar puncture in the early part of the day, and removed quite a bit of additional fluid but the pressure itself was at a good number. He again has brief spells of pain, during these few moments he squeezes my hand so tight it hurts. Normally after a lumbar puncture is performed you see signs of increased awareness. Today this has not been the case. We just wish comfort and forward steps for him, with all our might. This whole situation is much, much bigger than us, and not in our control. This is one of those bloody difficult things that we confront on a daily basis, feeling at times so helpless. I do know that we all together make a difference, bring him comfort, and inspire him to keep on fighting……

Yuksel and I wrapped up the evening with a skype call to the BIG HouSE, There the Kooks had set up an isight (or something of that ilk), the kids front and center, it was so nice to see so many friends in one place. I was definitely choked up and a bit homesick…… and Yuksel got to see and speak to, literally, a few of our friends back home in the states. So Todd, pumpkin pie, fondue and lovely friends………not bad for a day. Todd has his pumpkin pie in the frig…..if he improves he will also enjoy a nice slice. Umm sweet but not tooo.

Love.
T&A

p.s. The “invite” for the blue and green ball is totally amazing! It totally incorporates all that is us and Todd! It is really really great. Super nice job folks. Liisa and I were talking, I can’t believe the event is in a week. I was always so sure we would be home by now……. Maybe not there specifcally but close by, maybe even watching. Liisa and talked about perhaps recording the event and messages, by video or something, so Todd and I can watch it and y’all!

Todd’s is quiet after his surgery. He spent most of the afternoon asleep, but we did enjoy a few of the cards that came from the dinner event, we are moving through them slowly. When Yuksel walked into the room Todd lit up, and he placed his hand on her forearm. A lovely gesture, that clearly you could see, took a great deal of effort. He spoke for his neurosurgeon, Dr. VanFurth, unfortunately I could not hear what he was trying to say. His throat is so dry, his whispers so faint. His coughing remains persistent but less frequent, hopefully his lungs will clear up soon. All wonderful signs, and we hope on Thanksgiving Day he will be feeling stronger. Surgery takes its toll, so we are most patient.
There is another important and surprising development that we did not expect. Todd is off his IV lines and the antibiotics are long gone. This is so great for him, the IV line has to be redone every couple days leaving Todd feeling much like a pin cushion. I have watched them run out of veins on his arms and then move to his feet, only to return to his hands. So both his hands are now free for holding, touching, and free from new puncture wounds. The only external connection Todd has is his nose tube, otherwise he is on his own.

I can not believe that it is Thanksgiving already. I swear it seemed to be in a week or so. At the same time I was aware enough of this coming day to assure I had the lovely company of Yuksel to ward away any potential melancholy. While I love holidays, Thanksgiving has one major favorite for me. Pumpkin pie! I would now begin the ritual of having it for breakfast with my coffee. (sometimes Todd or Annie bring me a few slices for a treat on the weekends! Annie especially likes to give me chocolate treats.….but we all do that for one another for it is fun!) For Todd this period marks the arrival of Beaujolais Nouveau at Kermit Lynch, he always heads on over and buys a case for the holiday season. We never go to a single dinner over the holidays without a bottle of that wine. It is so versatile Todd will always find a reason why it is the perfect pairing. Last year I believe we took a case or 1/2 to Davey and Selby’s for Thanksgiving dinner. It was quite the drama leading up to it because Levon started spreading rumors to Davey that the wine sucked! (Okay, really he expressed that particular wine does not suite his tastes.) Oh man and then the phone calls began, Davey so concerned that we were bringing horrible wine to dinner. (It was to be the featured wine.) In the end it all worked out but there definitely was a bit of anxiety leading up to evening, Todd was completely appalled anyone would find this beloved wine anything but delightful. I believe Davey, unable to completely trust Todd’s choice any longer, ran off and grabbed a couple bottles to ease his nerves. It is important to acknowledge that when Levon had his first glass of Nouveau it was not properly chilled to the optimal temp and that really Levon likes beer, not that he won’t enjoy a good glass of wine, he will, and has with Todd many a time. The evening was delightful, Levon kept us overnight at his house. He made us coffee in the morning and I remember how Todd and I coveted his coffee cups….. then we (three) did that day after walk down to 24th street. I love walking the city streets the day after the holiday, where there is a quiet that is rare, but the quiet is not in your head which is pounding and you are ever so sleepy because we stayed up late into night/morning talking about Levon’s pad! Ahhhh the few sleepy afternoons in the city, how I love them. They can also feel very lonely, those days.
Back to Kermit, when Todd was at Kermit he would take advantage of the early bird pricing and he would choose 2 or 3 bottles of champagne for the celebrations that lie ahead. If we were home, I imagine we would be having two Oaktown Thanksgiving dinners. We would be with the Kooks (who have put a lovely skype group visit together) at Penny’s/ North’s pad, a beautiful 3 story Victorian dubbed the BIG HOUSE, then we would head over to Catherine’s lovely homestead to finish up the stuffing of the two lovebirds! I guarantee you there will be 80’s music at Catherine’s and at both houses a room full of wonderful people. The very kind we miss terribly.

For Thanksgiving here we will go out for fondue and salad… the pumpkin pie will have to wait. We will toast to you all this evening…… and pumpkin pie, holidays, champagne….. and best of all be THANKFUL that Todd has survived this tragic, most serious accident and will continue to do so with such grace.

And now I give you Yuksel.

Hello all,
After being here in the beginning of October, it is really nice to come back and be able to witness recovery. Todd was very very tired and slept most of the day, but it was grand when I arrived, Alex told that part already… but I also saw a smile afterwards (I think I did at least) and I was talking about how much better he looks now compared to the days of the ICU, and how good it is that the machines are not there anymore, and that in October when we were there, we (with Zander) met his father, Todd was definitely giving some response that made me think that he actually does remember… hopefully soon we will be able to hear him tell all those things.. one thing before I go, in the afternoon the nurses had put the infamous shoes on Todd, so I guess one could say it was after all worth the effort!
Wish you all happy holidaysJ

UPDATE: Thanksgiving morning. While I was working on emails and apartment search, Yuksel ran off to do the grocery shopping. She returned with 1/2 a PUMPKIN PIE!!!!!! I am now having pie and coffee for breakfast….. such a simple and wonderful delight. Thank you Yuksel. Here I thought I would have to wait a very long time for pumpkin pie…… the world is full of sweet and tasty possibilities!

Yes we need to secure a private apartment or houseboat for Dec 13-Jan 15 (with an option to renew). Our lease here ends then, long story but the company that rented to us failed miserably and rented it out despite our clear requirements….but it will work out.